(From Summer 2015)
The air is warmer, the sun shines longer. Summer is near. And, just in time, my pants are tighter.
January started off with a noble effort. My dieting and fitness plan commenced. I signed up for Nutrisystem and made a serious commitment to exercise five days a week. IT WILL HAPPEN.
That was the first week of January. The second week it got really, really cold. I mean the kind of cold where I need flannel sheets, two comforters, heavy socks, sweatpants and a sweat shirt to sleep in. Sexy, right? My motivation for the gym, much like the temperature, dropped to an all-time low.
Then my sinuses started to conspire against me. I thought I had averted a nasal catastrophe by stocking up on Musinex D and investing in a fun thing called a “Neti Pot.” But my nasal passages just laughed at me. They filled, refused to drain and left me a hacking, coughing miserable mess.
So no gym for two weeks, and Nutrisystem was ignored in favor of my favorite food for colds – Ramen Noodles. Ramen Noodles for lunch, dinner and dessert. I went through a 10-pack in three days. Maybe I did not gain weight, but I had more salt in me than the Dead Sea.
That takes me back to Nutrisystem. It was working at first. But, without getting too graphic, a stomach bug gripped my intestines and put me through what I can only call eight hours of vomitus hell. My last meal before the onslaught? A Nutrisystem BBQ chicken. Turned me off that stuff for good. (I did lose five pounds though, in one day. Not good.)
I celebrated the end of my Nutrisystem phase by visiting my favorite Scottish restaurant, McDonalds, once. And a charming little coffee shop, Dunkin Donuts, twice. All in one day. There were many, many visits to my work place’s candy bowl, which I call the Big, Blue Bowl of Happiness. I call it that because it’s big and blue and filled with chocolate.
Where has this left me? Summer is coming and my pants are tight, my buttons are popping and the scale keeps going up and up and up. All the promises I made in January failed, and I spent the next few months sitting in front on the TV, snacking.
Every time I look in the mirror, I see Tubby. I get so annoyed at my failure, but boy oh boy do donuts taste good. And now I’m faced with the summer months and a waistline that topples over my belt. I’m making deals with myself to takes the steps that will decrease the rolls in my waist. I envision a future of a slim waistline and crops tops, short shorts and above-the-knee skirts.
And now the new diet fad has arrived at my doorstop and I have a shopping list with words like “quinoa” and “steel cut oatmeal” on it. I’m ready to lose, thus win. But that damn Big, Blue Bowl of Happiness keeps calling my name.
The Barb Wire 